Quickly, I'm swinging on ropes across a great ravine, and your attention is the next rope.
Ah, thank you. Life-giving sunlight, your attention, strikes right in the solar plexus, spreads pleasure, propels me another slow, sure, enjoyable twenty feet.
Look, look at me! Hurry up. Thank you.
[I perform a small dance in the air, gyrations. Payment for your trouble.]
Your attention has disappeared. That's fine. I have its ghost. Your foot has come off the gas pedal but the fuel hasn't entirely stopped flowing. I'm still moving forward.
Slowing.
[(There's a trick involved, here, bystanders. You have to pick the right moment to launch your bid for attention. Do it too soon and you're wasting perfectly good fuel. This is assuming some ecological model in which fuel is exhaustible and can be wasted, but you should assume that. If you don't, and you're wrong, you may not make it all the way across to your death. You may run out of fuel and die before your death.
The cartoon character has just raced off a cliff into mid-air, come to a stop and realized its dilemma. We are in the micro-vicinity of the moment to strike. You have between now and your blinking take to the watching audience (the other watching audience, the one that doesn't matter) to launch your bid. If you wait until "reality"/"gravity" kicks in and your limbs just barely begin to flail, your performance will have a whiff of desperation about it. This isn't immediately fatal, it's just foolish. You have a long way to travel across to your death. If you are to hold the desired audience's attention, your performances must inspire trust. Your performances should be assured, seemingly careless, professional without showing it. Your technique must be firmly in place. Then you can allow real life to come into your performances! And you should, you must. You have a long way to travel across to your death. These performances should be worthwhile, should nourish your audience with something real. Your audience is also in mid-air, is quietly struggling, has a long way to travel across to their death. If you are always yelping for attention and then holding up an empty box, your audience will begin to ignore your pleas, however tuneful your yelp, however shapely your box. The trick is to inspire loyalty, lifelong loyalty, create a valuable symbiosis. You and your audience should have a real exchange at each of these desperate crossroads.)]
[(However, you both have a long way to travel across to your deaths so you should occasionally also just have fun. For every four times your bid for life-giving attention involves the removal of your skin and bones and the revealing of your pulsating internal organs, there should be at least one bid that's just flashing some skin or telling a joke or popping and locking for a second. Feel free to adjust that ratio, if you're confident. Play it by ear, if you have a good ear. Don't fuck with it, otherwise - lives are on the line. When in doubt, 4:1.)]
And....
NOW.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
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ReplyDeleteGoddamnit. I was just noting that I was dead.
ReplyDeleteA PLAY IN A POST or A 25 SECOND LIFE.
ReplyDeleteDamn. When will the man in the second row stop chewing. Oh dear god! He just answered his cell phone.
Right in the middle. Always in the permanent middle.
I was just about to do my big number. The one where they can finally tell that I know what I'm doing. A serious look. Some steady curiosity. A little slap and tickle. A few jokes, just for charm. [Knock. Knock. Who's there? Sam and Janet. Sam and Janet who? Sam and Janet Evening. Come on, you know the tune. I always kill with that one.]
RRRIIIINNNNNGGGGG.
For fucks sake.
Now it's back to the part where I'm still retelling the story. Catching up. I'll breeze through it this time. Just you watch. Well, wait. You can stop watching for just a sec. Costume change. Oh, they don't let you do that. Alright. I'm getting the hang of things.
Be cool. Don't sweat it.
The lights are hot. Are the lights on? Yes. It's all just right.
The jerk-off in seat 2B has been escorted out. That's right, buddy. Your spot ain't permanent.
Oh yes! There it is. I can hear my heart beat. This is as it should be.
Welcome back. Settle in. You will laugh, as evidenced by my previous razor sharp wit. You will cry; I do have death in my back pocket. It may sag a bit here and there but as long as you're there I will right the ship.
Here. Try this. It tastes great.
I'll return the favor. I already am. See.
[Scene]
Is this death? Here on the other side of the scene. Na. It's nice over here. But maybe. Note mine as well, just to be safe.
Is authenticity what we seek to accomplish? Do we take part in the meme because we want to stand out or to fit in? Are we just carriers on the verge of bleed-out?
ReplyDeleteYes.
ReplyDeleteYes, yes/yes and I don't know.
ReplyDeleteAnd maybe we're stuck in infancy, unable to care for ourselves, so we cry out/show off our new skills/do that thing that got us picked up all those times in order to survive.
And maybe we're agoraphobic, so we pull everyone near us to fill all of that terrifying space.
'Terrifying space' indeed. The fear of compassion is what hinders us, and drives us, and fails us ...
ReplyDeleteI don't think it is fear of compassion. I think it is just fear. Fear that drives and hinders and fails. The fear of being found out. Fear of being seen trying too hard or not trying hard enough. Fear of the epistemological dupe...
ReplyDeleteThose fears are there, Sara, but I'm with Livingstone on the fear of compassion. That's one of the deepest. Word.
ReplyDeleteRemember "The Mission"? Remember when Robert De Niro is doing penance for the violence he's wrought on the tribe? He has a burden tied to his back with ropes, must drag it up a murderously long, steep incline. He reaches the top, spent, and the tribesmen come and cut the ropes to release him. De Niro collapses into sobs. Terrifying compassion. Unravelling, vertigo, displacement.
De Niro with the ropes. That's the image that comes when I find myself kicking compassion away from me.
Yes. A deep one. Compassion may be the hardest concern we have to reconcile on our earthly journeys, fear or not.
ReplyDeleteTo my mind, compassion is a goal, a virtue. One that can bring even the jaded to tears. But I rarely think that compassion is what we fear as much as it is what surprises us, in its absence and when it is all we see. Fear, to me, is destruction. No matter what your fearing. I think when we start to get into the murky waters of our minds we see our fears and they are the gate keepers to momentum, change and understanding. Peace. Of mind. Of hope. Of contentment. Of love.
But now all I can think about is De Niro and the ropes. Fear of compassion...I may fear compassion being a fear.
More to say but I fear killing the truth of what I'm wanting to get out there by verbalizing it/beginning to talk smack. I'll go cave-style for this, the go-to coping mechanism for this worry.
ReplyDeleteAttention dial turned to 11, cranked, broken, sent into space meets compassion dial turned to 11, broken, etc. --> a great burning heat/blinding light. Moths towards and away from this flame with suicidal joy and fear.
?
Just investigating! Just thinking aloud.
ReplyDeleteO Peenie!
ReplyDeleteYou bring me such good joy. Just today we had another bit of fun. How many times has it been now? The two of us? No one else around?
To the calculator!
Oooohhh. Roughly 8,760 times. Coming up hard on 5 digits…
Haha, peenie. Do you like my jokes? It doesn’t matter.
You are a warrior, a silky, spongy, sinewy, dumb, frivolous, boasting warrior. Like a lion, you sleep most of the day in lightly concealed warmth…but when you want to flex, you are king. I love you so.
Our meetings are a long handshake, often as plain and impersonal. Sometimes you remind me to tend you, twitches in my trousers, as if divining. What is it you seek? Sometimes it’s your purpose, sometimes it’s merely attention. A plea. You are not me, but an addendum. Certainly women don’t dream of their vaginas falling off, or of auto-oral. Ergo, you are my very own alien.
And coming is the same, almost always. Predictable release. Once in a fat while it would be truly memorable, but my male brain issues chemicals to make me forget right in the heat of the spasm. Eh. It keeps our relationship fresh.
Odd how you and I hate the images, imagined or “real,” that helped us get to the moment of mild violence. So immediate is the disdain for our fantasies.
Do you remember when you went from “dick” to “cock?” I do. Cock seemed tougher, and you had achieved the requisite requisities. You graduated. But here, in private, you are Peenie, pink and purple prince of pants.
Touché?
ReplyDelete!
ahhhh, the triumphant return of starman and his cosmic rod!
ReplyDeletehttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Starman_72.jpg